One is too many yea....

Insatiability is a topic frequently discussed in addiction circles. A Tenement Halls lyric (although my favorite version is by The Shins) and ubiquitous AA quote exemplify the idea:

One is just too many, yea
You know twenty is never enough

Avoiding the first drink (or indulgence) is most important because JUST ONE will send you over the edge. You have no control or power over your drug use (See Step 1) and this slip will invariably lead you down a road of many many more drinks/indulgences because, as stated above, the next twenty indulgences will not be enough to fill the void.
Put the drink down
Hang up the phone
Explore the void instead
It's a much more productive use of your time.

Telling on your addict

I've amassed a shit ton of addiction books and my personal book collection is starting to resemble the recovery stacks at my local library. Sometimes I just run my grippers over the binds and let them settle where they may. I open the chosen book and always find an applicable tip. Not all my books are addiction self help, some are memoirs or biographies and today I landed on "Dry," Augusten Burroughs' tortured but humorous account of his struggle with the bottle. I found (on page 71) a technique that may be helpful. During this passage, the author describes being confronted by the facilitator of his 12 step group.

"I tell her about the bottles. And how because of them, I never invite anyone over to my apartment....I feel a pang of sadness, and its actually for myself. Why would somebody live that way? I also feel like I have broken a confidence. So this is what I say: 'Its funny, but admitting this out loud, I feel really strange, like I'm saying something I shouldnt.' 'Exactly,' (she says) what you are doing is telling on your addict. You need to visualize your own internal addict. Think of it as a separate being that lives inside of you and it wants nothing more than for you do to drink....Your addict wants you all to itself. So when you talk about the bottles, or any other consequence of drinking, you are in effect, telling on your addict."

I'm sure we've all heard the saying, "you're only as sick as your secrets" and I think that's what they're getting at here. Identifying your addict or addictive behaviors--the shameful stuff that you're embarrassed to tell others--and admitting them aloud minimizes the power of these secrets. It also helps you get at what you're masking in order to indulge in this shameful addict behavior.

Here is mine: I break into his email account. I get a twisted thrill from reading his correspondence with inadequate, eager, love seeking women. I do this because the day bores me and now that I have told on my addict, I'll have to find excitement elsewhere. Telling you my secrets, becoming vulnerable and letting others judge me holds me accountable.

So, what shameful secrets can you share here? Does sharing them bring you any awareness about the reasons you indulge?

Consumption

There are 12 million reasons why we continue to have contact with our exs. Some legitimate, some not so. You may share a dog, or a child, or a job site and these factors, while unfortunate, ARE NOT reasons to continue to CONSUME/INDULGE your DOC Below, we will differentiate between contact and consumption and discuss how to navigate these contacts.

My DOC happens to work with me and for the past two years has used this factor as an opportunity to continue to reek havoc in my life. WELL, NO MORE.

BEFORE CONTACT

(1)Decide whether contact is ABSOLUTELY necessary. Be rigorously honest(glossary) with yourself here. Is your sister's upcoming wedding an ordeal that necessitates collaboration with your ex? Hint: The answer here is NO. We're going to talk more about forming a circle of support around you and this is the type of thing you are to utilize them for.

(2)Are you engaging with your DOC to "make a point", "clear the air" or "defend myself?" If so, don't. We've already accepted that we are powerless and that we've lost so attempting to defend yourself is YOU, still fighting. See Step 1 and work it.

(3)If contact is necessary (as discussed in 1) and not self serving (as discussed in 2), make sure you have a plan and little thing I like to call the verbal boundary(glossary).

The verbal boundary is the phrase you've previously chosen that will allow your ex to go no further, in the event he/she tries to rope you in.

The verbal boundary is a neutral/non activating statement or phrase that closes off your ex, and their requests, without starting an argument. It should be one phrase that communicates, without emotion or offense, that you are done engaging in conversation.

My therapist (a willing participate in my circle of support) suggested "I need space." Since my DOC is a boundary violator, I knew that line would only activate him. I wanted something a little more demure and positive. I chose, "no, thank you."

Here is what I did today when I saw my ex at work:

DOC- Hey, Ill wait for you after the meeting. Can I walk you home?

ME- Ignore

DOC- Please? I just have a quick question, I promise not to bother again.

ME- Whats up?

DOC- Well it had to do with dinner and wine and your idea a while back that I f-ed up. The idea to date casually, without fear or judgement.

NOW, self respecting girl women don't suggest "dating casually" and this is certainly not something I ever suggested. You see, my ex is smart, he knows that his statement will piss me off but, I'm smarter. Instead of getting activated. I just broke out the verbal boundary.

ME-"No, thank you"

DOC-"uggh, what?"

ME-"No, thank you"

DOC- What do you mean?

ME- "Thank you for the offer, but no."

Could I have taken this opportunity to give him a lecture about all the reasons I deserve more than "dating casually?" Sure. But I'm on STEP 1 and STEP 1 says "WE admit that we're powerless over our DOC and our lives have become unmanageable." Since I am powerless, fighting him on anything would be futile. Its only caused hurt and continued anguish in the past.

So say it together friends, NO, THANK YOU.

STEP 1

WE admit that we our powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable.

Easy to comprehend but complicated to implement, Step One is most easily understood in anecdotes and here is my favorite:

There is a boxer who has fought and LOST 99 fights. Before entering the ring for his 100th fight, he turns to his trainer and asks "How do I not lose this time?" The trainer responds by saying, "Don't get in the ring."

How do we understand this anecdote?

The fighter is you, my fair friend, beaten down by a relationship that was never worth a damn in the first place but still swinging in the name of pride, or "love" or something like it.

The trainer is our 12 step program, which grounds us.

Finally, the advice "dont get in the ring" is pretty straightforward. STOP FIGHTING. Stop picking up the phone, stop "making your point," stop fooling yourself into thinking you can make someone love you. If you fight, YOU WILL LOSE, like always.

Have some respect for yourself and accept that your are powerless. Accepting this "defeat" will be the most empowering thing you've ever done for yourself. If you're doing it right, it should take a while to convince yourself.

MORE CONVERSATION ON WORKING THIS STEP TO COME.